Caught in the Muddle

Caught in the muddle

of fighting and feeling

of anger and pain

of breaking and healing.

Don't know where to turn

or how even to be.

Unsure of the path;

nowhere feels free.

It's one of those seasons

one of those years,

where I'm forced to dependance

and cleansed by tears.

Life feels so messy

there's pain all around.

I long for the Kingdom

and listen for its sound.

Face to the Sky

It's raining.

........It's Seattle.

Big drops today.

Clouds without form.

Just a soaked blanket of gray

no longer able to hold back the water.

I try to protect myself;

to go inside;

get out of the rain;

hide from the clouds.

I can't see clearly through the clouds

or through the vast unknown of my future.

It's bigger than me.

Out of my control.

-and out of this churning obscurity

spills the drops of mystery.

into my present

onto my skin.

Will I hide inside

grasping at the sure foundation of the controlled?

Or will I step into the elements

allow my skin to absorb the rain

and turn to face the sky?

Alignment

Body.

Mind.

Soul.

Spirit.

............Me.

Layers of being.

All present.

All mine.

I am one.

yet feel scattered.

My body's tired, cold, but able.

My mind is restless, mischievous, bored.

My soul is confused, desiring, and frustrated.

My spirit is weak, hidden, longing.

How do I bring into alignment all these parts of self?

there is power in alignment.

there is healing in alignment.

I gain my sense of being in alignment.

Jesus promised life to the full.

and I want to live into that

with all my being.

But I believe Jesus will meet me where I am

full or not

and draw me unto life...

..................all of me.

Body.

Mind.

Soul.

Spirit.

Sustain the Longing

Christmas is over and done.

at least this year's celebration of it.

We remember the fulfillment of a promise.

The Messiah came!

after being suspended so long

in the hopes of His people.

The longing was met.

There was no fasting while the Bridegroom was present.

For centuries the Israelites had gazed at the heavens

with eyes of hope

with hungry hearts

with groaning spirits.

Israel sustained this longing for thousands of years.

Again we find ourselves in such a season.

Advent is not just a season,

but an expanse

amid our narrative with God.

For the bridegroom is once again absent

And now we wait, gazing at the heavens

with eyes of hope

with hungry hearts

with groaning spirits

ever and anon

until the light once more shines in the darkness.

Our eyes get strained from squinting into darkness.

Our hearts we fill with junk food, that fills but doesn't satisfy.

Our spirits we silence in the groaning, for the sound is unpleasant to bear.

Yet, longing sustained is our constant season.

feel the emptiness within

groan for the light remembered.

This is not a state of striving.

This is a state of being.

For who we are is not who we were designed to be.

God has set eternity in the hearts of humanity

and the Kingdom, though come, is yet coming.

So we are in constant waiting.

constant longing.

constant groaning.

not to be quelled until that much anticipated day.

Sustain the Longing.

Align your spirit with your body and soul and mind.

God came through once.

He will come through again.

Let your light shine.

Push the Clouds Away

The prime time to go home for break was about 4 days ago.

I'm ready. I'm past ready.

One can only bear the anticipation before long

before it sours in the stomach.

Too many questions.

Too many cares.

Too much darn awareness.

Just want to push it all away.

Some things I don't want to be different.

Some things I don't want to change.

Yet all has been affected.

There's a big part of me that just wants out.

The last 4 months can't be erased.

If I'm really honest I don't want them to be.

There is brutality in blessings sometimes.

I need a mental break.

But one can't turn off the mind.

I need an emotional break.

But one can't turn off the heart.

I need a physical break.

But I need to get home.

I need a spiritual break.

-break is an interesting word here.

but that is only found in God.

in resting.

in giving up control.

The spirit within me longs for life to the full.

I am not content.

yet this is all of life.

for we were made for more than what we are.

and so we wait. and strive. and anguish.

I'm tired of Advent.

Ready for Christmas. -body and soul.

Memoirs of a Semester

Now dawns the day of my final classes.

Papers done. Vacation not yet in grasp.

4.5 months. a blink. an eternity.

Discovering myself.

Discovering the other.

Discovering God anew.

Desert for dinner on Monday nights.

head pounding from crying all day.

questioning, trying, failing.

Living with 5 beautiful girls

in a dwelling of safety, of peace, of love.

God knew exactly what I would need.

Learning to embrace mystery.

Risk. Fear. Pain.

Possibility.

Learning to be and live from being.

Encountering the other face to face.

True hope born from darkness.

Music in the night.

4.5 months. a blink. an eternity.

Not a task accomplished.

A journey began.

Waiting

I follow my breath

In....

out...

waiting.

restless but still.

trying to dwell.

Not taking control.

Not manipulating.

Not orchestrating.

Just waiting.

Just being.

I follow my breath.

in...

out...

Called to be still and know

that I am not God.

Only in knowing God

can I be changed.

Not in doing. Not in striving.

Just in being. in His presence

waiting.

waiting for Him to come near

to blow off the cloud that envelops me

named Fear.

He'll hold out His hand,

and ask me to dance.

But first I need to wait.

Be still enough for Him to draw closer.

So He can change me

and give me courage to dance.

And so I wait

and follow my breath.

in......

out.....

in....

out....